To See And Be Seen

The concept of invisibility. A familiar theme in both science fiction and fantasy has long been something of a holy grail. "The Invisible Man" caused his body to become transparent by means of the injection of a secret formula. He was unable to reverse the condition and was made mad in the process. The Romulans of "Star Trek" unnerved the galaxy with their cloaked ships. "Rocky Jones Space Ranger," back in the in 1950's, used the novel, "Cold Light" to make his ship, the Silver Moon unseen. Harry Potter used a magic cloak to achieve a similar end. And in an intuitive take on what science is actually attempting today, the 1980's film, "Predator," introduced an alien camouflage suit.

Modern-day optical and materials scientists are experimenting with what they call "Metamaterials." These exotic and largely theoretical compounds will capture and bend light around the shapes they envelop so that the viewer effectively sees right through them. So far, success has been achieved only on the microwave level. The cloaking paints on the stealth fighter have reduced it's radar signature to the size of a pigeon. But you can still see both the pigeon and the plane if you look up.

All this is a large-scale waste of science and money. Here, I present a solution that is both far less complex and creates a shield of invisibility so powerful, so foolproof, that one can gain entry with impunity nearly anywhere.

I call it "Celebritinvisibleness," a bit of a mouthful to be sure, but the process is quite simple. To take advantage of it's properties, one must be a nobody, which most of my readers are, and one must be in the company of a celebrity as he or she goes someplace public. You need do nothing more. You will find yourself completely invisible. Further, the harder you try to be seen, the less you will be seen.

The effect can be expressed as the following formula, wherein A List = Any Celebrity and Big Zero = You. A List+Big Zero =1. In this mathematical expression, it is clear that regardless of the number of Big Zeroes computed within the formula, the end result is always one. The math can easily be validated with empirical proof. Multiples of Big Zero are referred to as either the "Posse" or "Entourage" corollary. In layman's terms, if you are with a celebrity, you don't exist for the rest of the world. Therefore, you are without substance...light passes directly through anything without substance...hence, you are invisible.

The effect first came to my attention when I was interviewing an undeservedly famous Hollywood actress on the set of her latest movie. Being a well-known, celebrity author, I was of course, given the star treatment...champagne, director's chair with my name stencilled on...the whole shmearcase, though the caviar was not entirely up to par. (I wasn't asked my opinion on the subject, but I remember thinking that a little more in the craft-services budget would have served the production well.) Not everyone is treated as well as I am, but not everyone is so fortunate as I, nor so deserving.

This diva, who shall remain nameless due to the legal complexities involved with the mention of her name, had been married to her high school sweetheart for nine years. It was one of those "Hollywood" secrets, since she made a career of seducing young men on the screen and teens, from the screen. She decided that since this was...as she put it...a "Breakout" role, she wanted to share with the world that she was married and had three children, whom her husband had brought by to visit.

She turned and gestured to her right. There was no one there. At first, I thought she was insane. And though, based on the subsequent reviews of her movie, that may have been an accurate guess, it was in this case, not the case.

Her mousy house-husband had been raising the kids for six years and living off the fruits of her acting. And he and the kids were right there, but I could not see them. I also couldn't hear them, though she insisted that the kids were acting up.

I was ready to call the film's bond company to inform them of the risk they were taking when the most extraordinary thing occurred. She picked up a glass of milk and handed it to no one. It hung, suspended in space for a long moment and then tilted over and began to empty into thin air. It was being consumed by an invisible kid. I am told my mouth hung open to below my knees. I suspect this is an exaggeration.

A moment later, the assistant director came up to his star and told her she was wanted on the set for rehearsal. She excused herself and walked off. I turned and caught a few shots of her leaving. As she departed, a terrible din arose gradually, from where she had been sitting. I turned back and saw to my surprise, that the kids and their father were slowly becoming visible and audible. Out of her presence, they were eventually entirely as opaque as anyone.

The husband and I chatted for a bit, me, gathering background for my story (in which I would, of course, make no mention of him or his trio of screeching, pre-adolescent banshees) and he, attempting to secure a position in a Hollywood hierarchy that would never so much as acknowledge his existence. As we concluded our chat, his wife returned and he and the kids vanished, though I knew they were still around somewhere.

I actually felt sorry for the guy. He seemed nice enough, but he was an insurance underwriter. Not only would no one want to know he existed, no one would ever want to know what an insurance underwriter does. But their marriage endured, and some years later, one of the kids followed his mother into acting. He is today, nearly semi-transparent.

But all this is anecdotal evidence of the phenomenon. I spoke to agencies of the federal government and various branches of the military about the effect, and after some initial skepticism, they opted to fund a study.

In a test of the system, a famous supermodel was strapped to the hood of a heavily armed Hummer and sent into an unruly urban crowd. The guns and clubs were dropped in favor of pens and pads of paper. Later interviews confirmed that not one in the crowd even noticed the 50 caliber machine gun or its operator on the roof. For that matter, the Hummer was invisible as well. Not so much as one member of the crowd even knew how the supermodel came to be in their midst.

In a subsequent test, a famous blond celebrity walked into a police station, her assistant accompanying her. The assistant wore a dummy bomb belt, with a clearly visible countdown time flashing across her mid-section. She was not noticed at all, except by her celebrity companion who mistook the countdown timer for a clock and asked her what time it was.

The final test was when the Air Force allowed both women to overfly the Rose Parade in a stealth bomber. You may remember the supermarket tabloid headline the next day.

"Stars Fly Over New Years Day Parade-Stealth Bomber A No-Show"

I have developed an algorithm that takes into account the celebrity's age, sex, TVQ, (if he or she is a television star) and a variety of other factors which gives us a number that translates into a celebrity's cloaking factor. The gist of it is, the more famous the celebrity you accompany, the more transparent you become.

Yes, there are degrees of invisibility. For instance, if you are in the company of Nicole Kidman, anywhere, you will not exist. And if you are in the company of Tiger Woods, no matter how you dress, you will be mistaken for a caddie. That is, unless you are with him on a golf course, in which case, you will be perceived as a bunker. In a tournament, you will simply not be there.

The system works predictably and consistently. And there is another interesting side to it as well, which I have named the "Paparazzeffect." It is loosely based on the law of physics which states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. It is possible to become so completely visible that you cannot be made invisible. Once celebrity is achieved. You will be visible and it will stay with you for many years as long as your notoriety endures . As your star eclipses, due to advancing age or generational indifference, you will eventually, again become invisible. When you die, you will need to cross over in the company of nobodies like yourself or the undertaker will not be able to find your corpse.

Therefore, having been advised of the potential pitfalls, should you still clamor for fame and the visibility that comes with it, your goal can be reached. The simplest way to achieve it is to be part of a very minor celebrity's entourage for a time. Then do something splashy out of his or her presence...something so outrageous, that you are noticed on your own. If that celebrity's star continues to rise, you will be forever linked to that rise and will remain visible while the rest of entourage is ignored into transparency at the velvet rope.

If that celebrity's star begins to dim, you need only distance yourself from him or her and your own rise will continue unabated. However, you must work to firmly establish your own level of renown or you will fade into obscurity and the transparency that comes with it.

I can personally attest to this, because for a time, I ignored my duty to my image and effectively disappeared off the face of the Earth. It wasn't until the publication of my most widely read and prize-winning novel that I regained my rightful place among the famous. Of course, today I am sort of a celebrity Emeritus...a term of my own devising...and am therefore wholly immune to the side effects of fading stardom. I stand as the only exception to my own rule. And really, isn't that how things should be?