God Is My Ghostwriter

Okay, with a contentious title like that, you're probably thinking this guy's a crackpot. But that's a separate issue and a subject for another time. Read the tale before you pass judgment on my sanity.

To begin with, I am a devout agnostic, a non-believer who is more than willing to be proven wrong. All it would take is one lousy miracle and I'd be on board for life...and the afterlife.

And as most of you know, I am also an exceptionally well-rounded individual with more hobbies and avocations than Windows Vista has flaws. I am a respected authority on a wide variety of subjects with speaking engagements worldwide. Even as I write this, I am also thinking about a border dispute I must mediate based on the historical record, between France and Spain at a little-known, remote spring in the Pyrenees. Or was it the Catskills? Doesn't matter..I'm still researching it anyway. And that's not even the point.

Among my relevant interests are science and how it dovetails with theology. Lending credence to my theological background is the fact that I am an ordained minister. I am the Right Reverend Burton Mark Weinstein, duly ordained by the Universal Life Church of Modesto,CA. And lest you think this some sort of conflict with my also being a Jew, remember...there is only one God...if there is a God.

Now you have the background. Weigh the facts for yourself.

I was seated at my computer some months back, explaining in layman's theological terms my grand unifying theory. Scientist have called this heretofore unresolved issue, The Theory of Everything. I just call it The Theory. I was wrapping up the section that clarifies how the weak, sub-atomic force and the strong force intertwine with that of gravity quantum level that can only be achieved through the introduction at a low level, of prayer and...

Well, best not to weigh you down with details just yet. Suffice to say, I was fleshing out an important section when my computer beeped at me. I looked at the screen and a little happy face was flashing at me. Actually, it wasn't a happy face at all. It was just in the same place that the little "Instant Message" happy face usually shows up.

Instead, it was a minuscule representation of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel...you know, Michelangelo's painting in which God touches Adam's hand...except that where Adam should have been, it was a beautifully drawn rendering of me.

A message popped up. It said simply, "You spelled unifying wrong."

I looked at my document, and sure enough, I had left out the y.

"Who is this?," I replied. "And how did you tap into my computer?"

The message that came back was ludicrous.

"I am called many things by many religions...Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Odin, Osiris, Zeus, Adonye...But you can call me God."

"Yeah, right."

"You're wearing a white t-shirt, blue shorts and argyle socks."

"Jesus! You've tapped into my web-cam too!"

"I'm not Jesus, and I don't need to tap into your web-cam. I'll show you."

An image of unimaginable power that, try as I might, I cannot accurately describe, began to form on my monitor and then floated off of it into the air. It hung there for a moment and vanished. I was starting to think aliens had invaded.

"Pretty cool huh?"

"Okay. Just for the sake of argument. Let's say you are God."

"Let's say."

"Okay. Why are you contacting me? And why through my coputer?"

"You spelled computer wrong."

"What? Oh. Funny."

"The reason I chose you, is that among all my children on Earth, you are the first to get it right. Your Grand Unification Theory has finally cemented science and religion together as it should be. But, my son, your spelling is atrocious!"

"So, you're like the ultimate spellchecker?"

"And I don't have a web-cam."

"Why not? Everyone has a web-cam."

"I don't even have a computer."

"Well then how are you doing this"

"Umm...I'm God?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot."

I must have seemed sarcastic, because the ground trembled and terrified, I ducked under my desk.

"Earthquake" I screamed.

The trembling stopped, and I noticed that all this stuff had fallen off the shelves in my room. But none of it landed on the floor. It hung in mid-air and then slowly, floated back up into place on the various shelves.

Another message popped up.

"No earthquake. Your office was the only place that shook. Are you starting to believe now?"

I have to admit, the evidence was pretty compelling. Then, he scared years off my life.

"Would you like to see me? Face to face?"

"Isn't that forbidden?"

"I make the rules. I can break them."

And with that, a countenance appeared on my monitor. It was the most beautiful visage I have ever seen...and yet, I cannot recount it to you. But just let me say, that God is one righteous dude!

"So, my spelling is atrocious."

"Yes. And as the God in this relationship, I feel it is my duty to edit your work for you."

"But it's my theory," I whined.

"Yes it is, but think how it will be when you go to a publisher with it already translated into every language on the face of the Earth?"

"Wow. Yeah. I hadn't thought of that. Okay. You've got a deal. I assume I can trust you,"

"You want me to swear?"

That was three months ago, and I've submitted the re-written manuscript to the big guy four times. I've gotta admit, he knows his grammar and punctuation. But I'm not that happy with all of his "Thou shalts" and "It Came To Passes."

Still, I think we're on the home stretch now. He got me a pitch meeting with a big publisher. And we go to press next week.

Soon, everyone in the world will come to feel the same sense of joy and wonder I feel every day, knowing that the Lord in his infinite glory is really there for his children...all of them. Publication of The Theory will quickly lead to an end of all war. Poverty, hunger and sickness will vanish overnight. Infinitely renewable energy will take mankind to the next evolutionary level. (Yes. We have been evolving and yes, we do share a common ancestor with our simian cousins.) Crime will disappear along with it's root causes and there will be peace and ethical unanimity throughout our blessed world. Racism and factionalism and even nationalism will be a forgotten relic of the past. It's all in The Theory.

Still, not all is perfect. What I didn't know before, and what might have easily queered the deal if I found out earlier, is that he wants to split the royalties. I mean what does he need them for. He's got more money than...er...God.