Results Of A Study Of The Migratory Pattern Of The North American Male Hair Follicle

It has long been assumed that a significant percentage of the male population in North America suffers a condition described as male-pattern baldness. Conventional wisdom and generally unscientific observation bears this out.

However, conclusions reached after a 23 year study by the Western Hair Institute for Protein Development, (WHIPD) which analyzed the percentage of body weight in hair by men, has arrived at a surprisingly different result. As men age, the hair atop their heads only "seemingly" recedes. Men do not go bald! Their follicles migrate...in a southward direction...relative to the cranium, to be precise.

In actuality, the mechanism by which follicles relocate to other parts of the body, is driven by gravity. Simply put, this is due in large part to those parts being closer to the ground and therefore more affected by gravitational forces. Just as the skin of males and females alike tends to stretch with aging, so too, after a fashion, does hair. Though for hair, the "Sag" is actually relocation on the host body.

With women, the effect is less pronounced. The hair on their heads tends to thin slightly and a small amount of it is displaced to the upper lip. The skin sag is more noticeable however, particularly in the chest area, under the eyes and on those areas identified as being cellulite prone.


For men, the skin sag is most noticeable in the abdominal area and while there is speculation about a connection to male E.D., this is thus far, just that. Clinical studies are underway and may yield results of a connection in a few years. Lest this discourse wander too far afield from point, back to follicles.

For the North American male Homo Sapiens, (The study may apply across all regions and ethnic groups, but the study was confined to the North American sub-continent only.) Hair migration begins at different ages for virtually everyone involved. This would be the genetic component.

The less significant environmental component has more to do with how much hair goes, and to where. In the northern portions of the sub-continent, the migration southward of cranial hair is more significant and is even accelerated during the colder. winter months. This is roughly analogous to other species growing winter coats. It has been documented that in these regions, during the winter, a greater amount of hair migrates to the groin area. It has been theorized that this is an environmentally actuated effect dating back to prehistoric times when snowball fights invariably led to large quantities of frozen water in the caveman's animal-skin loin cloth. Cave paintings in northern Minnesota, like those in the Pyrenees provide pictographic evidence of these battles. The natural human response to snow down the pants is to cry out. Thus, this admittedly controversial point of view, has been deemed the "Ooohmagooolees Theorem."

The farther to the South the study tracks, the less significant the relocation of the lower follicles. However, in this region, nasal, ear and even facial hair is viewed as generally thicker. In the past, this was called the "Hillbilly Effect." Although for the purposes of the study, and to satisfy federal requirements concerning political correctness, it has been renamed "Hog-Holler Syndrome."

One anomaly that has cropped up in the analysis of the study reflects an out sized statistic. Within the Hog-Holler group, the amount of hair that migrates Earthward is significantly greater than that which disappears from the top of the head.

There is no shortage of theories to explain the differential. These range from a scientifically un-provable corollary to Einstein's theory of general relativity to several that run a gamut from preposterous to plausible. The one that is most widely accepted, though less elegant and profound than some of the others is the "Hair grows in dirt like a plant," theory. This grew out of an old wives' tale told by mothers to recalcitrant children who wouldn't wash their ears. As the tale goes: "If you don't wash out your ears, potatoes will grow in them." The theory is that hair will grow in dirty ears and nostrils. And while the evidence mounts supporting the validity of this concept, no full scientific study has, as of this writing, been undertaken to substantiate the assumptions.

One thing that has been substantiated is that the older the study participant, the further south the body hair travels. A man who was officially 107 years old at the close of the study presented a significant amount of grey hair growing out of his feet, some even between the toes. (Although, anecdotally, this has been discounted because the researchers involved were not certain if the hair was actually hair or merely sock lint.)

Further this decrepit example of manhood had virtually no hair above the knees. Photographs showing his calves and feet looked as though he wore muck-lucks. Yet, it is documented that he was barefoot. Computer extrapolations of the trends supported by the data draw to a disturbing conclusion. That conclusion states that as medical science extends the human life-span, all male hair will eventually settle around the foot by the age of 132.

New devices for the trimming and shaving of pedal extremity hair will have to be devised. A joint task force, supported by the Schick, Gillette, Norelco and Remington companies are studying the engineering challenges involved in such a technical advance.

Also, medical remedies involving topical exfoliates in combination with cranial follicle transplantation and/or stimulation are being explored.

The scientific community awaits the results eagerly.