Beans Sublime-A Recipe...

Beans Sublime is an old family recipe. It is inexpensive to prepare and much, much more.

It's difficult to categorize this culinary creation. In fact, in addition to being a culinary creation, it may in fact be a scientific explanation for what happens when one ingests said culinary creation.

Alright. Your eyes are glazing over and an explanation may be in order. Let us start with "Beans."

A bean is a legume, a large plant seed that, depending on the type may or may not be edible. For purposes of this discourse, we shall be discussing only the edible type. The inedible type could be poisonous and any recommendations that this writer might make should not be considered fatal.

Edible beans come in many sizes and types...for example, Lima beans, Garbanzo beans, Navy beans and those ever-popular Pinto beans to name just a few. We will concern ourselves in this article with the "ever-popular."

Next, we should discuss "Sublime." The word has more than one meaning. In the case of "Beans Sublime," it has two. The first is fairly obvious. Beans Sublime, the dish, is a delicious mix of palate-pleasing essences than can only be described as "Sublime." In this reference, the word means a flavorful extravaganza to be enjoyed with every mouthful.

The other, the darker meaning has to do with the after effects.

To understand this, we need to briefly examine frozen carbon dioxide. Frozen CO2, more widely known as "Dry Ice" is a rather unique substance. It never melts into a liquid as does water-based ice. Instead, it moves directly from its solid state to a gaseous state, in a process called "subliming." It evaporates into gas, or "Sublimes."

Understanding this process, we can now apply it to our recipe. You see, in the human digestive tract, beans sublime, just like the dry ice. As the Beans Sublime, "Sublimes," that is, moves from the solid to the gaseous state, it expands, creating a pressure within the containing vessel...in this case the human digestive tract...to release. At this point Beans Sublime frequently becomes a shared experience that those present will not wish to repeat.

It is one of the great culinary ironies that such a simple to prepare dish, that tastes so wonderful can have such a poor finish. Therefore, it is recommended that Beans Sublime be served only in well ventilated venues, preferably outdoors...a picnic or back-yard barbecue in a large yard. (1/3 acre or more is considered a fairly safe margin.) It is further recommended that the event be held on a day with a light breeze as this may further mitigate the after effects of the meal, spreading it over the neighborhood at large. (Expect some complaints from the closer neighbors.) Also, if it is a swim party, those who over-indulge can usually be identified by surfacing bubbles as they swim. Additional pool chlorine is generally handy to keep around.

You may e-mail this writer for the recipe and the Surgeon General's warning.