The Latest Last Straw

As a general rule, I’m not a purist about most things. I have my preferences to be certain, but not many things push enough of my buttons to put me into full-on outrage mode. Still, it does happen on occasion, and generally it is politics that turns me into a raging fanatic. The wasteful ways our elected representatives deflate our lives and fortunes with self-serving decisions is so outrageous, it makes my blood boil. But this isn’t about politics. This is much closer to my heart.

When my wife came home last night from the supermarket, she had lox and cream cheese and bagels for me. Lox and cream cheese are a real treat. Growing up in the Bronx, with my grandfather as my mentor, I developed a real appreciation for Smoked Salmon…belly lox, sliced fresh from the neighborhood fish store and cream cheese right from the dairy store’s churn. Of course, it doesn’t come that way anymore. It’s sliced and packaged Nova lox from the market and whipped Philly in a tub. But I can live with that. The hand-filleted stuff is pretty much only available at delicatessens nowadays and costs more than a luxury car by the pound.

Bagels are a whole other animal. I remember my grandmother trudging six blocks each way, early on Sunday mornings, to the bakery, where she would get a dozen assorted egg, salt and onion bagels. They were hot, fresh and had this baked-on shiny crust that most resembled the fender of a new car. That was then. This…is now.

I don’t blame my wife. She’s a San Fernando Valley girl, born and raised. She didn’t mature in the bagel Garden of Eden. This is not to say she can’t tell a good bagel from a bad one.
Her family did indulge in the best that L.A. has to offer, “Western Bagel.” These are every bit as good as my childhood memories. But they are a tad harder to come by in our little hamlet of Simi Valley. It’s a nine mile commute to the nearest outlet. Even Grandma would have drawn the line well before nine miles.

So, we are forced for the most part to live with the supermarket variety. These can range from acceptable to shameful. There are lots of bagel brands out there, and I’m not partial to some of them, but I will begrudgingly eat many of them. I’ve devoured salt bagels, rye bagels, sesame bagels, egg bagels and onion bagels…though the latter leaves my breath deadly. I’ve even been known to shmear some peanut butter on a blueberry bagel, though I don’t really consider it a bagel…too sweet. And I’ve invented all manner of post-modern deli sandwiches, using that little boiled and baked ring of dough. But what happened yesterday broke the camel’s back.

When I withdrew the pre-packaged, plastic sleeved, Sara Goyisha Lee bagels from the bag, they were whole wheat! That is not a bagel. It’s a…a health donut! WHOLE FREAKING WHEAT!

Okay, breathe. Calm down Burton. That’s better.

For God’s sake, doesn’t the Sara Lee Bakery have any conscience? What are they, tree hugging health food freaks? The thing is too soft. It’s like a slice of bread with a hole in it. There are little flakes of stone-ground-something particles sprinkled on it and to make matters worse, the damned thing comes pre-sliced. What must they think of their buying public? Are we all senior citizens with dentures who have lost the ability to handle a knife?

Even my wife offered the opinion that they seemed like bread in a different shape. She justified her purchase by saying that there wasn’t a whole lot of choice. The “Lenders,” the other Sara Lee varieties, which we would have accepted, and even the Johnny-Come-Lately, “Thomas’ Bagels” simply weren’t on the shelf. There seemed to be a run on the better bagels, and she has a major distrust of house brands. Though after this experience, I suspect she will happily sample the Vons bagels before ever venturing into the world of whole wheat again.

So, what this all comes down to is really quite simple. If faced with ever eating a whole wheat bagel again or searching for an alternative platform for my lox and cream cheese, I’d rather use a Pop-Tart.